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HOW TO DEAL WITH MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS

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As individuals, we have expectations which we look forward to being fulfilled in our marriages.

Both parties enter marriage with a set of needs and expectations, unknowingly or knowingly. Some expectations are good and healthy, while others are unrealistic thereby putting undue pressure on one’s spouse.

Some individuals think when they get married; their spouse will fulfil all they have ever expected in marriage. The following quotes tell of frustrations some couples experience when their expectations get dashed.

“When I got married, I expected my husband to open the door for me at home as well as of the car and usher me like I had grown seeing my father do.

I was also given preferential treatment as the only child to my parents, expecting my husband to treat me in like manner. To my surprise, the man I married moves with seemingly no care towards me. It frustrates me so much that I sometimes cry alone in my closet for not being honoured.”

Another says:

“As I was growing, my mother would wake up so early to work in her flower garden, then come in the house and prepare a tray of tea or coffee for my dad while he lay in bed.

I admired this behaviour and prayed that I would one day marry a woman like my mother. To my dismay, my wife just laughs it off whenever I refer to my desired treatment. I feel undermined and valueless.”

And then:

“By nature I am a soft-spoken person; I like to be cultured and I am uncomfortable with surprises.

On the contrary, my husband will shout to a friend through the car window while driving, he eats while talking; he will come and give me a surprise shake from my back. He is loud and likes giggling about anything. I find that he has too much energy and I cannot cope with it.

At times I feel like screaming at him to calm down. It can be so irritating when we are at the table eating and he throws about what I consider useless jokes. So what I do is to walk away from him and we keep having conflicts.”

Can you identify with any of these stories?

Expectation can be difficult to fully understand. This is because the frustrated party:

1  Has not spoken openly about their expectations to the other party. He/she may have not expressed them in ways that the other person can fully comprehend them.

1 May have secret expectations – deliberately not spoken, because they feel they are too embarrassing to say.

1 Some expectations are deeply hidden in the frustrated party’s subconscious – not even known to the person until later in the marriage.

There are four basic sources for expectations that we bring into marriage:

Family

Our families of origin significantly affect our marriages. In the family we have learned rules of communication, emotions, showing love and affection, roles and behaviour that are unique to us. At times we forget that our spouses were raised in families different from ours, and may see things differently.

Personality

We all have differences in our personality traits which cause us to look at things in a certain way. Often if one is an extrovert, he/she finds it hard staying at home with the spouse. He/she always wants people around, and this can choke the other party.

 

You may have heard of the common saying that “opposites attract”.

Most couples tend to have parallel personality traits. God meant our differences in personality traits to be a complimenting factor in our relationships as couples. There is no hard and fast rule on how to deal with our different personalities.

Therefore, as an individual it is choice to identify your partner’s personality and adjust to live in harmony. We need to accept each other’s differences, have good tolerance levels for each other, learn how to communicate effectively when there is an offence and always be willing to forgive.

Gender differences

Men and women are different in the make. The Bible attests to this in Genesis 1:27: “So God created man. In the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

Men and women are wired differently, and none is a faulty version of the other. For instance, it has been proved that men function mainly from the left side of their brain; making them more lateral in their thinking, analytical, objective and aggressive in nature.

On the other hand, women are right-brain focused, making them more able to multi-task, emotional, relational and akin to fine-detailed work.

Gender differences are stereotypical tendencies and not absolute; one can fall either way. Our gender differences can be a source of conflict because naturally we expect our spouses to be like us, do things like us and think the way we do.

 

This puts a lot of pressure on the opposite spouse. God made genders different because marriage is teamwork with each couple bringing different skillsets for multiplied effectiveness.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 says: “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their work.”

Ken Malmin, Dean of Portland Bible College, puts it this way: “God expects married couples to understand each other’s differences, accept each other, appreciate each other and learn to enjoy their differences.”

1Peter 3:7 states: “Husbands likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honour to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Values

We all have defined standards by which we live. If your spouse does not match to your values, there is disappointment and resentment. As Christians, our values are shaped by our relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

Marrying someone from a different faith is a recipe for great conflict because their value sets will be different, and this would frustrate the relationship between the couple.

For those still searching for a marriage partner, remember the warning: “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

 Resolution

Confess your own failure

Ask for forgiveness for wrongful expectation or behaviour

Communicate your expectations to your spouse

Forgive your spouse for failure to meet your expectations.

Conclusively before you get married, clearly spell out your expectation to your fiancée for him/her to prepare their mind on how to handle you.

It will be equally imperative for your partner to also express his/her views where he/she is not able to meet your needs in time. Marriage is a game of compromise.

 

 

 

 

 

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